


Nothing Left To Say

by knight0fd00m



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Accidental Murder actually, Bipolar Disorder, Coma, Depression, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Homophobia, Kinda, M/M, Major Character Injury, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Murder, Psych Ward, Schizophrenia, Self Harm, Suicide Attempts, Yes someone goes into a coma, trigger warning, what the hell are these tags even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-01-23 19:26:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 18,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1576799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knight0fd00m/pseuds/knight0fd00m
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His name was Jack, and he resided in Karkat's head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Be Karkat

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello hello guys! I hope you guys enjoy this one it's sadstuck but that's what I'm best at writing! Mental health and sadness is my specialty! Anyway, this is some sad SolKat fanfiction. For once I'm not actually done writing this yet but I have the first 13 chapters written and I'm so excited to share this with you guys that I'm posting it! Okay I'm babbling, enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I figured out how to do HTML for italics, so yay it's gonna look like it does in my google docs document!

Chapter 1: Be Karkat

_Stupid, stupid, stupid. Nobody even cares about you, not even Sollux._  
Stop, stop, stop! I don’t wanna listen to your stupid voice anymore!  
 _Why? Because you know I speak the truth?_  
I slammed my head against the wall. Sollux was at work, and he was the only one who lived here so it’s not like anyone would know.  
 _Fucking kill yourself you piece of shit._  
I leaned against the wall and slid down till I was curled in a ball against it with my head in my hands. The stupid voice in my head was right. I should just kill myself.  
I can’t do that, I thought. I don’t want Sollux to find me. He’d have to clean up my bloody mess and that’ll just piss him off.  
I felt my phone go off in my pocket to find a text from Sollux.  
 _ii got off work early and ii’ll be home iin twenty_  
 _OKAY_  
I sighed.  
He didn’t know I had a crush on him, and he wasn’t going to find out either.  
 _Faggot!_  
“Shut up!” I yelled, suddenly very thankful that no one was home.  
 _How about you make me shut up you worthless fuck!_  
I had named the voice in my head Jack. I don’t know why, but I felt he needed a name.  
“I don’t know how to make you fucking shut up you assmunch,” I growled to myself.  
 _Then I guess you’re stuck with me you fucking piece of shit._  
An idea suddenly struck me.  
I walked over to the medicine cabinet and grabbed a razor. I grabbed the lighter out of the drawer that Gamzee kept here for when he was over and forgot his lighter and melted some of the plastic till the blade slid out.  
I had about 15 minutes, I think that was enough time.  
I turned my arm over so the underside was facing up and slide the blade across my skin just below the elbow just hard enough where blood beaded to the surface almost instantly.  
I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, but it sure wasn’t that the pain would silence Jack. I didn’t expect the pain to quench the pain that was wrecking havoc within my chest.  
After 5 heavily bleeding lines were left on my arm, I stopped. I slipped the razor in my pocket and watched the blood drip into the sink.  
After a few minutes, I pulled the gauze out of the cabinet and wrapped my arms up, applying pressure to the wounds as I had seen in movies.  
After those were successfully soaked, I buried them in the bottom of the trash can and wrapped my arm up.  
I walked out of the bathroom after pulling the sleeve of my sweatshirt down and straightening myself out. I walked through the kitchen and the living room into the hallway that led to Sollux and I’s room.  
I walked over to my dresser and pulled open the top drawer where I buried the razor blade under a sea of socks and boxers.  
I sighed, and climbed into bed. I didn’t feel like being awake right now.  
I woke up about a half hour later to Sollux poking my face, “Wake up sleepy head, I got pizza on the way home.”  
I groaned and sat up, rubbing my eyes with my right arm. I held my left sleeve down as I got up, paranoid that he’d see.  
 _It’s not like he would give a shit anyway Karkat._  
I sighed, I knew he wouldn’t stay quiet for very long.  
Sollux and I ate our pizza in the living room as Sollux sat on his computer coding something for his internship. He was so fucking brilliant at coding and computer stuff he managed to get an internship as a sophomore.  
However this meant he had to balance an internship, a job, and college all at the same time. Plus his Bipolar disorder.  
I didn’t envy him at all.  
Of course, I knew I was Schizophrenic, I wasn’t stupid. When I figured out that Sollux couldn’t hear Jack either, I thought back to high school Psychology and remembered the symptoms of Schizophrenia.  
I had just about all of them.  
I didn’t talk much, even when I have to, but when I do talk I usually am snapping at people. I hardly do anything, and when something is planned for me to do, Sollux has to drag me out of the house to do them. My working memory is beyond terrible. I hear Jack. I get really scared that I’m gonna get attacked when I leave the house alone, or if I’m anywhere at night. My ability to focus left when Jack first started talking to me my freshman year of college.  
I hadn’t told Sollux about him, mostly because I knew he wouldn’t give a shit.  
How? Jack told me as such.  
I finished my pizza and muttered that I was going to bed to Sollux, who didn’t even notice.  
I crawled into bed, and stared at the wall for what felt like hours.  
 _You know, he’s better off without you around. All you do is piss him off and cost him money. You know he barely puts up with you let alone like you back._  
Fuck you Jack for knowing I like him.  
 _You know I’m right though._  
Shut up!  
 _Why don’t you make me you piece of shit!_  
I groaned and buried my face in the pillow, pulling the blanket over my head. I heard Sollux stumble in and shut the door. He grumbled something and climbed to the top bunk of the bed and adjust himself till he was comfortable. Shortly thereafter I heard his breathing even out.  
 _You sick piece of shit, you’re a fucking faggot. Can you imagine what would happen if he were to find out? He would kick you out so fast you’d be on the street before you knew what hit you._  
I felt tears well up in my eyes. He was right, he was always right.  
 _Don’t cry you worthless fuck. Crying is for the weak._  
I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself, but only succeeded in a strangled sound coming out of my throat that could only be a sob.  
I covered my mouth when I heard Sollux shift on the top bunk. He muttered something in his sleep, but then was quiet again.  
 _Can you imagine what would have happened if he woke? He would have told you exactly what I’m telling you. You are a weak, worthless piece of shit._  
I wanted to scream, I wanted to break down and sob until my throat was raw.  
But I couldn’t.  
When I finally fell asleep, tears falling freely from my eyes, it was almost dawn.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoaa, I already have 7 kudos on this work and I just posted it! Thanks so much guys I'm glad you're liking it so far!!! Here's the next chapter, enjoy!

Chapter 2

Sollux’s alarm blared not even two hours after I fell asleep.  
I rolled onto my other side and pulled the blanket back over my head. Fuck this shit.  
Next thing I knew, Sollux was poking the side of my head, “Wake up shithead, we got class in an hour.” His lisp utterly butchered that sentence.  
Half an hour later we were in his car driving to campus.  
I stared out the window, as always, not saying a word.  
About ten minutes into our drive, Sollux broke the silence, “So what’s with you lately? You’ve been even more withdrawn than usual.”  
“Why do you care?”  
“Cause you’re my best friend dipshit.”  
I sighed and didn’t say anything. Some best friend I was if I couldn’t even bring myself to tell him about Jack. He’d kick me out for being a crazy freak.  
We pulled into campus and before Sollux could even turn the engine off I had unlocked the door and jumped out of the car.

~====<3====~

I sat in the usual spot in the library basement and tossed my backpack aside. Sollux would be here in about an hour when his last class ended and we would go home.  
I pulled my laptop out of it’s case and started on some homework, silently praying that Jack would leave me alone.  
He did for the most part, only giving a jab here and there for the hour I was down there.  
My mind wandered for the most part, not really focusing on my homework as much as I would have liked it to.  
My mind mostly focused on Sollux. The faces he makes when he’s thinking or coding or laughing. How he runs his hand through his hair when he’s trying to focus on something.  
Then my mind turned to a darker place as I remembered when I came home a few months back to find him on the bedroom floor, overdosing on the medication he had stopped taking.  
I shuddered and shut down the memory. I did not need to break down crying right now.  
Especially when a certain heterochromiac was walking over while rubbing the smudges off his blue and red glasses.  
I quickly composed myself and rubbed my eyes, which had started watering.  
He put his glasses back on his face, “‘Sup KK.”  
“Absolutely fucking nothing.”  
“Then why is your face all red?”  
“A rather unpleasant memory came to surface.”  
He tilted his head, “What memory?”  
“Do you really want to fucking know?”  
“Yes.”  
“No you really don’t.”  
“Just tell me KK.”  
I sighed before looked up at him, “It was the one of finding you almost fucking dead on the bedroom floor.”  
All the color in his face drained away and I sighed again, “I told you you didn’t want to know.”  
He sighed, “You know I’m sorry about that right? I hadn’t been taking my medication and I couldn’t deal with it and…”  
I cut him off, “I know Sollux you have told me a million times and like I said I forgive you but that doesn’t stop the memory from coming up sometimes and I’m not gonna lie and say it isn’t painful.”  
He bit his lip and nodded, “Why don’t we head home?”  
I nodded, that sounded like a great idea.  
Twenty minutes later we walked into our apartment and I fell face first onto the couch.  
“I’m gonna go take a shower,” Sollux said quietly. He had been quiet the entire ride home.  
I turned my head to the side and asked, “Are you okay?  
“Not particularly, but I’ll be fine.”  
“Are you just saying that to placate me?”  
“Maybe.”  
“Don’t do anything stupid Sollux.”  
He nodded and went to the bathroom and shut the door.  
I sat up and sighed.  
 _You know he’s only depressed like this because you told him._  
I held my head in my hands, would he never leave me alone?  
 _You know he doesn’t care about you._  
I know that, he wouldn’t give two shits if I died. It would just mildly inconvenience him.  
 _Then why don’t you kill yourself. You’re on the third floor it would be easy just to jump out the window._  
I wouldn’t do that, would I?  
 _You should._  
I groaned audibly and rested my head on the coffee table. Shut up already!  
 _Make me you fuck face, you know I’m right._  
I know you’re right! That’s why I want you to shut up!  
 _No!_  
I groaned again and my head shot up when I heard Sollux say, “Are you okay KK?”  
“Yeah, just a bad headache.”  
 _Liar._  
“Migraine? I got some meds for that…” Sollux walked back into the bathroom and came back with a bottle of Excedrin. He dumped out two pills and handed them to me with a glass of water.  
I downed the pills and the water and handed him back the glass, “Thanks.”  
“No problem,” he walked back into the bathroom to put everything away.  
 _Lying prick, you know, he’ll find out about me eventually. You can’t hide me from him forever._  
I knew that, but I wanted to put off that conversation for as long as possible.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I felt bad because the other chapter is so short so I'm posting this one too! Enjoy!

Chapter 3

“I’m gonna go take a shower.”  
Sollux looked up from his laptop and nodded. I went into my room, gathered my stuff, including my razor, and went into the bathroom.  
Jack hadn’t stopped screaming at me for the last ten minutes, and I couldn’t deal with it.  
I turned on the shower and and held my arm above the sink after unraveling the bandages on my arm and burying them in the bottom of the trash.  
 _Useless._  
One cut.  
 _Worthless._  
Two cuts.  
 _Piece of trash._  
Three cuts.  
 _You know I’m right._  
Four cuts.  
 _Kill yourself._  
I hesitated before making the fifth one.  
 _What are you waiting for?_  
I sighed, not today.  
I dropped the blade on the counter and got in the shower. I’d clean up the sink when I got out.

~====<3====~

Slowly but surely, cutting myself became a daily occurrence.  
After about a month it became an hourly occurrence.  
Sollux didn’t notice, not that he would care anyway. He didn’t notice when I stopped wearing the occasional short sleeved shirt. It was Autumn, it was cold anyway.  
I didn’t let myself think forward to Spring and Summer, I’d deal with it when the time came.  
I laid in my bed and stared at the bottom of the top bunk. It was about 2AM.  
I couldn’t sleep, Jack was doing his usual routine of making me feel like shit, and I wanted to cut again.  
So I did.  
Jack shut up, and I crawled back into bed and stared at the wall.  
I didn’t feel any guilt like some people did for cutting. No one would give a shit if they found out, but that didn’t stop me from hiding it. I didn’t want people to pretend they gave a shit for my benefit, which wouldn’t truly be benefitting me at all.  
I sighed, my arms were running out of room to cut on so I had started on my thighs. Not like anyone would see them there either.  
I sighed. It’s not like anyone would ever love me enough to ever see them.  
It’s not like anyone would ever love me at all.  
I held my hand over my mouth to muffle a sob. I didn’t need Sollux waking up to hear that.  
I heard him shift on the top bunk, shit.  
“KK?” he muttered. “You okay?”  
I didn’t trust myself to speak, so I didn’t. I didn’t move either, maybe he’d think I was asleep.  
Unfortunately my body had other plans and I choked on another sob.  
I heard him lean over the edge of the bed, “KK?”  
My body was shaking, and he could see it. I heard him move and climb down the side of the bed and kneel beside my bed. He put his hand on my shoulder, “What’s wrong?”  
I curled tighter into a ball and shook my head. I didn’t trust my voice.  
“Come on, tell me.”  
“W-Why d-do y-you c-c-care?” I managed to choke out.  
“Cause I’m your best friend dipshit, now what’s wrong?”  
“It’s not important.”  
“Obviously it is if you’re crying at 2 in the fucking morning.”  
“It’s not.”  
“Just tell me KK.”  
I sighed and rolled over to where I was facing him, “You really want to know?”  
“No KK I’m just bugging the shit out of you for it for my own amusement. Of course I do.”  
I smiled slightly at his sarcasm, but it was immediately quenched by the overwhelming depression that was threatening to take over me.  
“I’m upset because I fucking hate myself cause I’m nothing but a worthless piece of shit and it’s not like I’m even good at anything. I just take up space and waste resources that could be better used elsewhere and it’s not like I mean anything to anyone. Nobody gives a shit about me,” my voice cracked at the end.  
Sollux gave me a sad look, “You know that’s not true right? You do mean something to people, look at your friends. We all give a shit about you KK.”  
“How do I know you guys just pretend to give a shit about me? And when I said mean something to someone, that is not what I meant.”  
He bit his lip, “I know that’s not what you meant. And we do care about you KK. I also think TZ still likes you…”  
Terezi, literally the last person I wanted to think about at the moment.  
I sighed, “She’s not who I care about like that anymore though.”  
“Who do you care about like that though?”  
I swallowed hard. It was hard enough lying to him about Jack, my self harm problem, and my sexuality was bad enough. Not telling him that he was the one I cared about like that threatened to split me in two. I wanted to tell him, I really wanted to tell him.  
 _He’ll kick you out remember?_  
Not now!  
I bit my lip, “Someone.”  
“Are you going to tell me who?”  
“I don’t know yet.”  
“You know I won’t tell her right? I’m not that much of an asshole.”  
I swallowed, here we go, “I don’t like a girl Sollux, and I know he’s straight so I’m fucked.”  
He shrugged, “I won’t tell him either.”  
I felt all the blood in my body rush to my face, “So you don’t care that I like a dude?”  
“No, I didn’t tell you I was bisexual?”  
I blinked, “No you didn’t.”  
“You don’t remember when I dated Eridan for that like three months in high school?”  
“You never told me about that!”  
“I didn’t? Fuck, I thought I did.”  
I poked his forehead, “You’re memory is slipping fuckhead.”  
He playfully shoved me onto my back, “Shut up asshat.”  
I rolled back onto my side to face him and he spoke in a teasing manner, “So who do you like then KK?”  
I paled again and nerves tied into a knot in my stomach, “I don’t see how it matters, it’s not like he likes me anyway.”  
“I would still like to know.”  
In a spurt of confidence and not giving a shit I pushed myself up onto my elbow, pulled his head forward, and kissed him.  
He made a squeak of surprise and before I gave him a chance to react I pulled away, rolled onto my stomach, and buried my face into the pillow.  
 _You’re a fucking idiot, he’s gonna kick you out. If he doesn’t beat the hell out of you first, I’ll be completely surprised._  
What happened next I didn’t expect at all.  
I heard him stand up and sit on the edge of the bed. He then kicked his feet up onto the bed and laid down next to me. He rolled over onto his stomach and nuzzled his head against my shoulder, “You know, I’ve been hoping you would do that.”  
My breath caught, he what?  
I turned my head over to find his looking up at me. We were roughly the same height, Sollux only being a few inches taller, so it was weird to be looking down at him. He scooted up till he was at eye level.  
I was sure my face was extremely red, but it was dark except for the small amount of light coming from the street lamps below us outside.  
He wrapped his arms around me, “Would you sleep better if I was here?”  
I nodded and scooted down so I could bury my face in his chest. Shortly there after I heard his breathing even out and slow.  
The last thing I thought before I finally fell asleep for the night was a silent prayer to whatever God exists a thank you.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments guys <3 I'm so happy you guys like it!

Chapter 4

I woke up to a dull throbbing pain my arms.  
I blinked my eyes open, it was a Saturday and it had to have been almost noon.  
Sollux had adjusted himself in his sleep to have his arms wrapped around me in a protective hold. He was still asleep.  
I held my arms to my chest and my head rested against his. Did last night actually happen?  
 _Obviously it did dipshit._  
I sighed, nothing was gonna make him go away.  
I nuzzled my head against his chest and tried to go back to sleep. This was disturbed by Sollux stirring, holding me tighter against him.  
I looked up to see him blinking his eyes open. His different colored eyes looking down at me, “Morning.”  
“Morning.”  
“Feeling better?”  
“Yeah, thank you.”  
“No problem KK.”  
I buried my face in his chest again. He was warm and comfortable. I felt his arms wrap tighter around me and his face buried into my hair. My face was mostly buried in his collarbones, so that worked out fine.  
We laid like that for awhile, perfectly content with laying together. Around three we decided to get up and get food. After eating a pack of ramen each, we started on homework we should have done hours ago.  
I looked up at Sollux after finishing some math work I had to do and admired how his face looked as he concentrated on his work for his math work.  
 _It’ll never last you know, he’ll get sick of you eventually._  
I resisted every urge to grab my head and scream. Go away, go away, go away!  
 _Thing is you little shit is that I’m not going away. I’m never going to go away._  
I let out an involuntary whine. Sollux looked up, “You alright?”  
I froze, shit.  
 _You are nothing Karkat. You are absolutely nothing to everyone you have ever known. You were nothing to your family and you are still nothing to everyone else._  
Worry crossed Sollux’s face, “Why are you looking at me like that? Did I do something?”  
I shook my head slowly, “Not you…”  
 _You are absolute shit! You might as well just go in that bathroom and slit your goddamn throat because you are worth nothing better than that._  
My eyes were welling up from tears. Sollux put his notebook aside and walked over and wrapped his arms around me.  
 _How can you even think that he would ever stick around? How dare you think you deserve something you plainly don’t! Kill yourself you worthless fuck!_  
I choked on a sob and Sollux buried his face in the side of my neck, shooshing me and rubbing my back.  
 _Will you just kill yourself you sickening fuck?_  
I slowly brought my hands to my head and screamed. Sollux winced and tightened his grip on me, continuing to rub my back and not even bothering to cover his ears.  
My voice gave out after about thirty seconds and continued to sob my eyes out.  
After twenty minutes minimum of me sobbing I managed to come to a sputtering stop. I just held Sollux’s hands for a few minutes longer before he lifted his head and asked, “What’s wrong KK? And don’t you dare tell me it doesn’t matter or that it’s nothing.”  
I buried my face in his arm and muttered, “His name is Jack and he lives in my head.”  
“What do you mean he lives in your head?”  
“I hear a voice in my head, and I named him Jack.”  
He nodded, not moving his head, “I’m sorry KK.”  
I nodded, “It’s fine, he’s been here for at least a year.”  
“If it makes you feel any better I hear whispers before I sleep. Not fully formed voices, but whispers. My doctor says it’s from the Bipolar.”  
I rubbed his arm, “It doesn’t make me feel any better, but at least I know you kinda understand.”  
He nodded and lifted his head, “You know there’s medication for that KK, doctors can help you get rid of him.”  
I shook my head violently, “No meds. I’m not taking that shit I’ll deal with it on my own.”  
He frowned, “Meds help me you know.”  
“That’s different, that helps your moods. I…” my voice trailed off when I saw him.  
He was standing across the room. He wore a black suit, black dress shoes, and a black fedora. He had a scar on his face that cut through his eye.  
Sollux looked at me, “KK? Are you okay?”  
I shook my head, “He… He…”  
The man stepped forward and leaned over the coffee table till he was in my face. Sollux couldn’t see him.  
 _I am the one you call Jack,_ he sneered. _I am going to personally end you._  
I screamed, then he was gone.  
Sollux shook me out of my scream, “KK! KK! What’s wrong!?”  
“Jack! He’s… He’s… I saw him!” I yelled, the panic I was feeling completely audible.  
His eyes widened, “Are you serious? Okay no, I don’t care if you’ll hate me for it, well okay I do, but I’m taking you to get medication.”  
My eyes widened in fear, “No! I’m not gonna take any medication!”  
Sollux gave me a sad look, “I was the same way at first but they truly do help.”  
I tore myself out of his grasp and ran into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. Shortly after I heard Sollux bang on the door, “Come on don’t be like that! Come back out here!”  
I leaned against the door and slid to the floor so I was sitting there curled in a ball.  
I can’t take meds, I can’t live with Jack breathing down my neck. I can’t do this.  
I got up and opened the medicine cabinet, Sollux still banging on the door trying to let me in.  
I can’t do this.  
I grabbed the bottle of Ibuprofen off the shelf and screwed open the top and filled a glass of water.  
“KK I swear to God if you do anything stupid…” Sollux yelled through the door.  
“I’m sorry Sollux…” I muttered, downing the first ten pills.  
After downing 80, everything went dark.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Be Sollux

I yelled and yelled and yelled through the door and pounded and pounded and pounded on the door.  
It’s when I just barely heard him say, “I’m sorry Sollux,” did I start throwing myself at the door.  
“No! No! No! NO!” I started screaming as I threw my entire weight against the door. “I’m not gonna let you do this KK!”  
After what felt like years I finally broke down the door. The landlord was going to be pissed.  
I stumbled into the bathroom, somehow catching the door so it didn’t fall on him, and threw the door aside. I collapsed on the ground next to KK, who wasn’t breathing and had a mostly empty bottle of Ibuprofen in his hand.  
“No no no no no no!” I whispered to myself. I held two fingers to his throat and could barely feel a pulse.  
This was all my fault.  
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed 911.  
“911 what’s your emergency?”  
“My best friend tried to fucking kill himself! He took almost an entire bottle’s worth of Ibuprofen what the hell do I do?!” I was yelling but I didn’t care. I couldn’t lose him like this. I couldn’t lose him like this! I couldn’t lose him at all.  
“Sir, please calm down. What is your address?”  
“4136 13th Street!”  
“Okay. Sir what is your name and your friend’s name?”  
“I’m Sollux Captor and my friend is Karkat Vantas.”  
“Okay Sollux, we have help on the way. They should be there in less than ten minutes okay?”  
“Damnit he may not have ten minutes! What the hell do I do!?”  
“Sollux you’re going to have to hold tight and try to calm down.”  
“How they hell do you expect me to calm down when the man I love is dying in my arms right now!?”  
The woman on the other line was quiet for a moment before saying, “Just stay on the line with me till paramedics arrive okay Sollux?”  
“Yeah, okay,” I muttered.  
It took them 8 minutes to arrive.  
I yelled that the door was open and they rushed in, pulling KK onto a stretcher and telling me that I needed to come with them.  
Good, I wasn’t leaving his side anyway.  
My eyes didn’t leave his face. Not when they were trying to pump his stomach, not when they restarted his heart, not when they told me he was comatose. Never.  
I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. That’s all I could do. However, my eyes never left his face.  
But then they tried to make me leave the room because I wasn’t family.  
“Like hell I’m not family to him!” I screamed. “I’ve been more family to him in the last three years then his family ever has! I care about him an infinite amount of times more than his family does. How dare you try to make me leave his side when he needs me here!”  
It took five security guards to get me out of the room.  
They dragged me out into the waiting room, and all but one left. He was a muscular guy I knew in high school, Equius. I had computing class with him right now. I would have been more curious about what he was doing working here if it wasn’t for the rage and grief churning through my veins like liquid fire.  
He was the one who had carried me while the other four had held my limbs so I didn’t hurt anyone. Didn’t stop me from punching one in the throat and kicking one in the face.  
Equius sat with me in relative silence as I sobbed into my hands. He tried to console me here and there, but eventually gave up when he realized it was a lost cause.  
After about an hour, the doctor came back out.  
I lifted my face, which was tear soaked and I had long stopped trying to dry it.  
I haven’t cried like this, no, I haven’t cried at all since Aradia died sophomore year of high school.  
I don’t think Karkat realized how much he meant to me.  
Guilt stabbed through my chest when I realized he didn’t realize it because I never got the chance to truly tell him.  
The doctor put his hand on my shoulder, “He’s got a 45% chance of survival.”  
If I had any more blood in my face, it would have left it.  
“W-What?” I choked out. “He’s got to have a better chance…” My lisp was utterly butchering everything I said, the fact I was holding back sobs wasn’t helping.  
He sighed, “We’re doing everything we can Sollux. You’ll be allowed back in there in a little bit okay?.”  
I nodded slowly and he tilted his head, “Are you and him…”  
“Together?” I managed a hysterical laugh. “It’s not official but I was about to ask when he had a mental break from reality and locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn’t let me in.”  
The doctor nodded and I continued in hysteria, “Now I know why he was so fucking mad at me when I tried to overdose! Ha! This is all my fault cause I told him I was going to get him help for the voice in his head! You can bet your ass that if he dies I’ll follow shortly behind him because it would be all my fault.”  
Concern crossed Equius and the doctor’s faces. “You realize Sollux that we have to take statements like that seriously and I should have you taken back for a psych eval,” the doctor said slowly.  
I laughed in my hysteria, “Oh I know! I’ve been through those before, and I haven’t had my meds tonight! Isn’t that great? I’m a little more preoccupied with my best friend in a coma right now! I don’t care what happens to me right now as long as he’s okay!”  
Equius put a hand on my shoulder, “Sollux I ask that you calm down. I do not wish to have to drag you up to the third floor.”  
The third floor was where the adult mental health unit was.  
I rounded on him. hysteria suddenly turning into rage, “You are not locking me up while he’s possibly dying!”  
The doctor kneeled by me, “If you can’t stay safe then we have no choice Sollux.”  
I glared at him, “I’m fine I’m just a worried wreck right now!”  
The doctor had this look of pity on this face that was driving me absolutely mad, “Sollux, you have to promise me you will not hurt yourself or anyone else.”  
“Of course not! I already tried that and my best friend fucking found me half dead like I just found him.”  
The doctor nodded as a nurse came out and gave him a thumbs up. “You can come see him now,” the doctor half smiled.  
I nodded and rose to my feet. I followed the doctor into Karkat’s room in the back of the ICU.  
I was not prepared for what I saw.  
He was hooked up to tons of tubes, including one in his mouth that I could only imagine was there to help him breathe.  
I was at his side in an instant, my hands gripping the railing along the sides of the bed hard enough to turn my knuckles white.  
“Like I said, he has about a 45% chance,” the doctor said, coming up behind me.  
I nodded stiffly, and managed to let go of the railing with one hand and wound it with Karkat’s. I’m sure if he was awake, he wouldn’t have minded.  
His hand was too cold to be normal. Any delusion I had of him just sleeping was gone the second I took his hand.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just so excited to share this fic with you guys I might just start uploading two chapters a day! It's my first SolKat fic actually, and I've finished this one and I've started another Sadstuck fic, I'm just so ----EXCIT----ED!!!! (Okay my zodiac is Pisces so FEFERI QUIRK YEAH) ANYWAY ignore me enjoy this chapter guys!

Chapter 6

It’s been a week, and I haven’t left his side.  
Work understood, to an extent. They won’t let me take FMLA because he’s not related to me, by marriage or otherwise, but they let me take off for two weeks because I was so mentally incapable of working.  
I was dozing at his side. I didn’t have a regular sleep schedule, I barely slept at all. I dozed off for a few minutes here and there, but that was it.  
Doctors came in and out to check how he was doing. Every half an hour.  
I learned to listen to the heart monitor every second of the day. It never changed, but I still kept my ears on it.  
It was about noon, and I was slowly slipping into unconsciousness.  
My stomach growled faintly, but I didn’t have the motivation to get up and get food. KK’s father brought me some food here and there, but I barely ate any of it.  
His family flittered in and out, but they were only there for show. You could tell in the contempt in their eyes and irritation in their step.  
I listened to the beeps of the heart monitor and the world faded to black.

 

Be Karkat

It was dark, but I expected that much. I was dead right?  
I didn’t know what I was expecting, but it was blissfully quiet.  
Jack wasn’t here, and that was what I was aiming for. I guess he won in a sense, he got what he wanted.  
But I got what I wanted to, he was not here, wherever here was.  
I couldn’t move, I couldn’t do anything. Everything was just dark.  
If this is what eternity was like, I was going to get really bored, really quickly.  
Is this what happens when someone kills themself? They’re doomed to be bored the rest of eternity?  
I sighed, glad that I was able to have air go through my lungs right now. Before I died, it had been hard to breathe, my stomach was churning and burning and painful, and I was really dizzy.  
But that was over now. I was dead.  
I felt weightless, like I didn’t have a body, but as time passed I started to feel my body again.  
I didn’t like what I felt.  
My body ached, and my breaths grew shallower and grew more painful. What was going on?  
It wasn’t until my eyes blinked open that I realized I wasn’t dead.

~====<3====~

Pain.  
Why did I do that again?  
 _Cause I told you to fuck face._  
No… I thought you were gone.  
I realized I had a tube in my throat that obstructed me from talking, but I managed to whine. The beeping of the heart monitor picked up.  
Then I realized that Sollux was right there.  
His head snapped up, “KK oh my God you’re awake!”  
I couldn’t move my head, but my eyes immediately looked over where he was.  
He looked like a wreck.  
He frantically reached over and hit a button that I assumed was the “Call Nurse” button because a few minutes of Sollux trying to dry his eyes with the hand that wasn’t holding mine later a nurse came in.  
“Yes Sollux what- Oh! Karkat you’re awake!” she rushed over and started taking vitals.  
I took the opportunity to look around. I had a tube shoved down my throat that was pumping artificial air into my lungs, there was an IV in my left arm, and I had a million monitors hooked up to me. I noticed the heart monitor looked normal, but when I started to feel a little trapped under all these tubes and wires I noticed my heart rate picked up a little.  
When I realized that being here meant I lived the heart monitor picked up again. Sollux looked over from the nurse and ran a hand through my hair, “Hey, you’re okay KK. You’re okay.”  
Obviously not if I’m still here.  
Dread crashed over me. The dread turned into despair when I tried to move my arm and found it handcuffed to the bed.  
I whined a few octaves higher than I had initially and Sollux ran his thumb over my knuckles, “I’m not too fond of the handcuffs either, but the doctor said it was protocol for someone who attempted suicide.”  
His eyes were bloodshot and the area around them were red. His hair was sticking up everywhere, and he had a red mark on his face from where he was sleeping. I noticed that he had probably taken down the railing on the side he sat on so he could rest his head, but I was still handcuffed to it.  
The nurse hit a button on her pager and turned to me, “Your vitals are looking good Karkat. I’m sure we’ll have that tube out of your mouth soon!”  
I whined again as the doctor came in, “Good to see you awake there Karkat! You gave us quite a scare there.”  
I groaned pathetically.  
The doctor talked to the nurse about doctor stuff for a few minutes while Sollux rested his head on my hand, probably trying to catch a few minutes of shut eye.  
“There’s no sense in beating around the bush Karkat, once you’re all good and ready you’re going to be going up to the third floor mental health unit,” the doctor explained.  
I paled and the heart monitor sped up again. There was no way in hell I was going up there.  
Sollux had told me about it. It was full of people either completely out of their minds or detoxing from drugs. He recalled someone talking to a wall a few times and one coming out of his room covered in his own blood.  
There was no way I was going up there.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

After a day they took the tube out of my mouth.  
First thing I said? “Someone get me some fucking water!”  
Sollux had snorted and laughed, but the sound was empty. Hollow. It wasn’t like the joy filled sound I heard when we were at home and we were watching a movie or if I said something he found funny. It wasn’t the sound that he made when he was enjoying pissing me off.  
It didn’t sound like him.  
Right now he was asleep with his head down on the bed. My father had came in yesterday, and while Sollux was in the bathroom he told me that he hadn’t left my side the entire week and a half I was out. He ate and drank so little that he almost was taken into his own room.  
I choked on a sob, the tube in my throat not letting me cry properly. The result was a strangled sound that led Sollux back to my side immediately, smoothing my hair back and rubbing my arm.  
He had visibly lost weight from the lack of nutrition. Apparently he had eaten maybe three times the entire week and a half I was in a coma. I asked him about it earlier today, and he said he just didn’t have an appetite. Still didn’t. Nothing I said could make him eat anything either.  
He was visibly depressed to not end. He usually never let it show unless it was really bad, and right now it was so obvious that Terezi couldn’t miss it, and she was blind.  
It was obvious in how hunched over he sat. It was obvious by the way his sleep patterns were completely off. It was obvious in the hollowness of his voice. It was obvious by the dead look in his eyes. It was obvious by how quiet he was.  
 _This is your fault you know. If you had succeeded, he wouldn’t be like this._  
That’s not true you fuck head.  
 _How do you know? He’s probably depressed because you didn’t succeed._  
I tried to pull my arms up but they were still handcuffed to the railings. The clang of the metal woke Sollux up instantly, his head snapping up with fear in his eyes.  
“Are you okay?” he asked quickly.  
I shook my head, “Jack’s back.”  
His face twisted with anger but when I flinched sadness retook his features, “I’m sorry KK… I didn’t mean to… fuck why do I keep fucking up?”  
I shot him a confused look, “You haven’t done anything wrong Sollux.”  
His eyes started to get red again, “Obviously I did. I shouldn’t have said what I said. Maybe then you wouldn’t be here right now. Maybe if I had thought of a better way to possibly help you…”  
I cut him off, “Sollux don’t you dare think this is your fault. Cause it’s not.”  
He looked down, “Yeah it is. I kept saying that I was gonna get you medicated and then you ran off and…” His voice broke.  
I tried to reach for him, but the damned handcuffs prevented that, “Okay, yeah, that part didn’t help but I overreacted. I didn’t realize that you were trying to help… Now you’re all messed up and it’s my fault and I don’t know how to deal with that…” My turn for my voice to break.  
I didn’t have so many monitors and tubes hooked up to me, so he was able to slowly stand and wrap his arms around me without ripping anything out. I heard him sob and that was enough to break me down to sobbing as well.  
He held onto me for dear life for at least twenty minutes.

~====<3====~

I sat up and rubbed my wrists. They were practically raw from me fighting the handcuffs in vain.  
Sollux was doing better, kind of.  
He still wasn’t eating. He was basically living off coffee at this point. Shitty hospital coffee, but it was still coffee.  
My dad and my brother stood on either side of the door and Sollux stood next to my bed as I swung my legs over the side in that stupid hospital gown they put me in.  
Sollux handed me my clothes and my I went over into the bathroom and changed into my favorite black and grey hoodie with the Cancer symbol on the sleeve with grey jeans.  
I walked out and Sollux walked in there to change clothes as well. While at home, my dad and brother grabbed fresh clothes for Sollux too, who had changed maybe once since I got here almost two weeks ago.  
He came out in a black T-shirt with a yellow Gemini symbol on the front, and black and yellow hoodie, and black jeans after a few minutes.  
The doctor came in and clapped his hand on my shoulder, “Let’s not do that again shall we Karkat?”  
I shook my head, “No promises.”  
He sighed, “That’s why we’re sending you upstairs, so you can get help and get better.”  
I sighed, “Nothing is going to help so I don’t know why you’re wasting your time and my insurance’s money.”  
“You don’t know that.”  
“Yes I do. Now let’s get this over with.”  
Dad and Kankri walked ahead with the doctor right ahead of me and Sollux.  
Sollux wrapped an arm around my shoulder, but I felt him wince slightly, like something had hurt him.  
I looked over at him, realization dawning on me.  
I pulled away and stopped in front of him, glaring, “Sleeve, up, now.”  
I watched the blood drain away from his face.  
My gaze softened, “Come on, in the bathroom.”  
We notified them that we were going to use the restroom for a moment and I pulled him into the public one that was just down the hall.  
Sollux was staring at the floor when I turned to him, “You know I did it, you saw my arms. I know.”  
He didn’t look up when he pulled his arms out and pulled his sleeves up.  
I bit my tongue to try and keep the strangled sound in my throat in there.  
He didn’t just do lines like I did, he carved words into his arms. Well, one to be specific.  
Failure.  
Failure.  
Failure.  
Failure.  
I could begin to feel myself shaking. One of the failure’s was still bleeding.  
That’s why he took longer then me in the bathroom.  
I pulled him into my arms and buried my face in his shoulder.  
He hugged me back and buried his face in my shoulder. “I’m so sorry…” he whispered barely audibly.  
I held him tightly, “Just don’t turn into me Sollux, just don’t turn into me.”  
We held each other for a few more minutes before I pulled him back so I could kiss him.  
I hadn’t been able to do it all this time, and I felt like I needed to show him that I cared about him. I didn’t know any other way how.  
Suddenly my mind flittered back to when we were in high school and he was with this girl named Aradia. They were together for about two years, and Sollux was on his face in love with this girl.  
She died in his arms after getting hit by a drunk driver.  
I pulled away and buried my face in his shoulder and sobbed, “I’m so sorry for all of this.”  
He rubbed my back and whispered, “It’s alright, it’s alright. You’re okay now.”  
I shook my head, “No I’m not. No I’m not.”


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

We reached the third floor and I looked around. Everything was white, and the windows were double paned with what I assumed was bullet proof glass.  
The doctor unlocked the door and let us through before walking through himself. The door locked automatically when it shut.  
I was stuck here.  
Each room had a glass wall that looked out into the hallway, and solid walls to divide up the rooms and to prevent people from looking in from the outside.  
I looked out the windows and saw the tops of trees. It’s been ages since I last saw outside.  
The people scared me.  
They all had a dead look in their eyes and no life in their step. They were like the living dead. One looked over at me, and I stopped dead in my tracks.  
“Karkat? Is that you?” Vriska drawled.  
“Oh, hey Vriska,” I muttered.  
Sollux took on a slightly defensive stance partially in front of me, but his body swayed a little as he stood.  
She walked over, her steps heavily weighed down, “Sorry if I seem a little drugged, they have me on some heavy duty meds.”  
I nodded slowly and the doctor waved me over to an office.  
An hour of filling out paperwork later I was sitting in a room with Sollux, Dad, and Kankri.  
Kankri sat on one side of me and Sollux sat on the other. Dad leaned against the wall across from me.  
The nurse, Roxy, clipped the paperwork to her clipboard and rose from the desk chair, “Alright, you’re all set. Visiting hours end in ten minutes. Mr. Vantas if you could come with me to sign some more paperwork that would be much appreciated.”  
Dad nodded and walked with her off to the nurses’ station.  
Kankri, who had been oddly silent most of this time, turned to me, “Why didn’t you tell me you were hearing a voice in your head Karkat? You used to tell me everything.”  
I stared at the ground and didn’t say anything.  
He tilted his head in front of me, “Karkat?”  
I shook my head, “I don’t want to fucking talk about it Kankri.”  
“Karkat, language.”  
“I don’t exactly care right now.”  
He glared.  
I sighed, “Kankri can you give me a few minutes to talk to Sollux privately?”  
He hesitated before nodding and leaving the room, shutting the door behind him and walking toward the nurses’ station.  
I turned and threw my arms around him and buried my face in his shoulder like a girl in one of my romcoms.  
He wrapped his arms around me and rested his head in my hair.  
“Get me out of here, I don’t wanna be here.” I muttered into his shoulder.  
“I can’t do that Karkat you know this. Besides, maybe Vriska is nicer now that she’s on all sorts of medication and you’ll have someone to talk to when I’m not up here visiting.”  
I looked up at him, resting my chin on his shoulder, “Vriska? Being nice? Don’t you remember what happened with Tavros when she pushed him down the stairs and paralyzed him? Or when she shoved him into traffic and killed him? I’m surprised she’s not in jail instead of here.”  
He rubbed my back and kissed my head, “She probably killed him in a fit of insanity, hence why she’s here.”  
Speak of the Devil and she shall appear. As if on cue, we heard a knock on the door. We looked up and saw Vriska standing there, swaying a little.  
Sollux looked at me for confirmation before waving her inside.  
She opened the door but didn’t walk in, “I’m not allowed in there. You’re not allowed in anyone else’s room.”  
We nodded and untangled ourselves from each other, and I suddenly felt really empty without his touch.  
“What do you want spider bitch?” I growled.  
She sighed, “I just wanted to come over and see how you were doing. It sucks ass when you first get here.”  
“What are you gonna get out of it by bothering me?”  
“Well, I don’t know, maybe an actual friend? One that I didn’t have to manipulate into talking to me?”  
Sollux rubbed my back, which took away that empty feeling and I sighed, “If you weren’t such a huge bitch maybe people would actually like you.”  
She leaned against the doorframe, “Yeah, I know. I’m working on it okay?”  
I raised an eyebrow, “Why do I highly fucking doubt that?”  
She sighed, “I could easily threaten to tell your family about what I just saw before I knocked, because it obviously wasn’t just platonic and I figured that your family doesn’t know, so you’ll talk to me and hear me out, but I’m not going to. I figured if I’m lucky, which I almost always am, you’ll hear me out about what happened with Tavros.”  
I eyed her carefully, “I might give it a chance after I’m done, oh I don’t know, trying to recover from my fucking attempt on my own life.”  
Sollux flinched and Vriska’s eyes widened, “So that’s why you’re here!”  
“Don’t you dare use it against me, that was a tentative attempt at trust.”  
“I’ll keep that in mind.”  
Sollux pulled me into his arms again and Vriska chuckled, “So when did this happen? I didn’t take you for being into guys Karkat. Sollux I already knew from Eridan. I thought you dated Ter-”  
I cut her off, “I’m into both okay? I just never told anyone.”  
She chuckled, “If it makes you feel any better about it so am I. I had a girlfriend before I ended up in here.”  
I tilted my head, “Who the hell did you manipulate into dealing with your bullshit?”  
“Kanaya.”  
I paled. Besides Sollux, Kanaya was my best friend. “Why didn’t she tell me?” I asked, completely shocked with disbelief.  
“Cause I told her not to tell anyone. She was so loyal to me, even if she was a bit sassy sometimes.”  
“I assume when you killed Tavros that kind of ruined things for you two?”  
She flinched and her voice dropped into a sadder tone, “Yeah, actually it did. She punched me in the face when she found out and told me that she could never be with a murderer. To be completely honest with you, she’s the only person I ever really cared for and I fucked that up.”  
I nodded slowly as my Dad walked back over with the nurse.  
Sollux immediately let go and sat upright, but it was too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh noooooooooo


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To the person who wants me to untag a bunch of stuff, if you don't like how I tag something, don't read it.  
> This chapter is short, so I'm gonna upload chapter 10 as well today!

Chapter 9

“What was that all about? Karkat I swear to God if you tell me you’re gay…” Irritation and confusion was written all over Dad’s face.  
Kankri walked back over shortly after then got here and suddenly he looked confused, “What did I miss?”  
Vriska backed away and walked away with a sympathetic glance our way. Sollux and I exchanged a glance and I swallowed hard. He had to come in at that time.  
 _He’s gonna beat the hell out of you Karkat._  
I know that! As soon as I get out of here I’m completely fucked.  
When neither of us said anything Dad stepped forward and got in my face, “Well? Care to explain?”  
I swallowed again, “Well… I’m not gay per se… more like bisexual…”  
My face snapped to the side and pain hit the side of my face as my dad backhanded me, “No son of mine is going to date a guy.”  
Kankri stepped forward and said, “Father leave him alone, what you’re doing is triggering and will only make his situation worse.”  
At the same time the nurse stepped forward and said, “Mr. Vantas I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave or else I’ll have to contact the police.”  
Dad rounded on Kankri, completely ignoring the nurse, “Shut up Kankri, you talk too much anyway.”  
Kankri flinched, “But Father, his sexual preference is not his choice nor something to be condemned.”  
“Don’t tell me you’re a faggot too Kankri.”  
He flinched again, “Father, I ask that you do not use such triggering language…”  
He got in his face, “You are aren’t you?”  
Kankri swallowed hard, “I wouldn’t phrase it like that, but I am in the same boat as Karkat.”  
Dad backhanded him as well and the nurse hit a button on her pager. Within a minute security was in the room and was dragging Dad out of the room, who was yelling, “Neither of you are my sons! I didn’t raise faggots!”  
Kankri and I flinched at his words and Sollux pulled me into his arms again. It wasn’t until he did did I realize that I was crying again. Fuck I hated crying.  
He rubbed my back and shooshed me, and then I felt Kankri hug us too. This was incredibly strange seeing as Kankri hated physical contact with a fiery burning passion.  
I heard Roxy kneel next to us, “He’s gone now Karkat, it’s alright.”  
I shook my head violently, nearly knocking my head into Sollux’s, “It’s not alright! He’s my fucking dad he should be happy for me! He’s never been good to me and it sucks.”  
Roxy nodded, “Not all parents are good to their children, but you’re an adult now you don’t have to be around him if you don’t want to. Especially if it’s not healthy for you to be around him.”  
I nodded slowly and buried my face in Sollux’s neck. Kankri let go.  
I lifted my head and looked at my brother, “I didn’t even know that you were into guys Kankri.”  
He nodded slowly, his face turning a little red as he ran his hand through his hair, “Yeah, well, about that… I may have been dating someone, in secret and completely chaste I assure you, for awhile now…”  
I tilted my head, “Who?”  
“Do you know the Amporas?”  
Sollux flinched and I nodded.  
“The elder of the two brothers, Cronus.”  
I nodded and Sollux’s jaw dropped, “That jackass?”  
“Sollux I have to ask that you would watch your language.”  
He sighed.  
Suddenly I remembered something, “What happened between you and Latula?”  
He shook his head, “She left for Mituna, and I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t as in love with her as I thought I was.”  
Sollux’s jaw dropped again, “So that’s who my brother is seeing! He wouldn’t tell me!”  
Kankri tilted his head but said nothing.  
Suddenly over the intercom said, “The time is now 8 o’clock and visiting hours are now over. Visiting hours start again at 6 o’clock tomorrow.”  
“No!” I wailed and threw my arms around Sollux almost pathetically. “They can’t make you leave!”  
Sollux hugged me tight, “I’m sorry, but they have to. I’ll be back tomorrow okay?”  
I clung to him, “No!”  
Roxy sighed, “Karkat they have to leave. Like he said, he’ll be back tomorrow.”  
I looked up, feeling especially pathetic. I had to deal with it. I tentatively let go.  
I stared after them as they left.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS ONE IS SHORT TOO AHH TIME FOR A THIRD UPDATE TODAY.

Chapter 10

 

I sat at the table in the day room. The walls were painted green and there were shelves with books, board games, and card decks.  
Vriska sat to my left, and some guy named Jake to my right. Apparently he was hallucinating about his dead boyfriend, and came here to get medicated and help for coping with his death.  
I picked at the food they gave me, which tasted bland and terrible. I had been here a week, and the medication they had me on made me nauseous. I had also gained 5lbs, even though I wasn’t eating hardly anything.  
I looked up at the clock. Sollux would be here in an hour, like he was everyday. It was Sunday, so visiting hours started at 1.  
Vriska, who had also been picking at her food this entire time, got up and put her tray on the meal cart. I followed suit.  
I wandered over to my room and fell face first onto the bed. I refused to call it mine, it wasn’t mine. I wasn’t home.  
 _You’ll never go home if you don’t eat, and if you don’t go home you can’t finish what you started._  
Fuck you Jack, I don’t want to finish what I started. Fuck you.  
I sighed and waited for the next hour in my room.  
Sollux was the first visitor, like always, I heard him come in. I stared at the floor as he came in and wrapped his arms around me, “Hey KK, how are you doing?”  
I shrugged, turned, and hugged him back, “Still nauseous as fuck, still worried about the fact that you look thinner every time you come in here, and Jack still hasn’t gone away.”  
He rubbed circles on my shoulder, “I’m fine okay? And like I’ve said the side effects go away after awhile. It just takes awhile. God only knows how much I threw up when I first got put on my meds. Give them time to kick in too. When do you think they’ll let you out of here?”  
“Doctor said maybe tomorrow if I eat well today.”  
“Have you so far?”  
“No.”  
He sighed, “You gotta eat KK.”  
“Says the jackass who wouldn’t eat anything.”  
That shut him up.  
We sat there, hugging, for a few minutes in silence. 

 

~====<3====~

I sat with Vriska in the day room after Sollux had to leave. She never got visitors, Kanaya wouldn’t come and her sister lived a few towns over.  
I looked over at her, and to my shock, her head was down and her shoulders were shaking.  
“Vriska? Are you okay?”  
She shook her head and choked on her words as she tried to speak, “I’m never getting out of here. I fucked up so badly, and now I can’t do anything about it. I killed someone I cared about, and I can’t take that back.”  
I nodded and she continued, “And because of this I lost the only person I ever really loved. I dated Tavros too you know, really cared about him but he wasn’t the one I needed. I need Kanaya, and I lost her in a fit of insanity.”  
“Have you thought of this before?”  
“Yes,” she sobbed. “I think of it before I sleep at night. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat…”  
I nodded, “I almost feel sorry for you Vriska. And what did you mean by a fit of insanity?”  
“I was mad at Tavros and some voice in my head told me to shove him in front of a car.”  
I paled, “So you hear one too?”  
She nodded, “I didn’t know you heard one.”  
I nodded, “Yeah. He’s been telling me to kill myself for a long time now.”  
She sighed, “Mine told me to kill him. I don’t know why I listened, but it’s because of her that I am here instead of in prison.”  
I nodded, “If it wasn’t for Sollux, I’d be dead right now.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this one is longer so I'M DONE POSTING FOR TODAY ENJOY GUYS!

Chapter 11

It was Tuesday, and they were finally releasing me.  
I stood in the room with all my folders full of paperwork and paper bags full of clothes. I sighed, the only reason why they were letting me out is because I lied to them and said that I didn’t hear Jack any longer.  
 _You are doing exactly as I would wish, I’m so proud of you Karkat._  
I winced slightly, glad that no one was in the room besides me.  
I folded the last of my clothes and put them in the paper bags as Sollux walked in and pulled me into a hug. He felt like skin and bones.  
“How many times am I going to ask you to eat like a human being asshole?” I sighed.  
He sighed too, “I am eating KK, I’ll have you know I ate this morning before coming to get you.”  
“What did you have?”  
“A bowl of cereal?”  
I sighed, “Okay, well, I gotta fill out some paperwork and then we can get the fuck out of here.”  
He nodded and let me go. We walked over to the nurses’ station and I finished filling out the paperwork. Roxy smiled at us, “I wish you two the best of luck, especially you Karkat. You’ve made a lot of progress this week.”  
I sighed, “I guess, thank you.”  
Kankri arrived shortly thereafter with Cronus, Eridan’s brother.  
“Hey there chief, I heard you’re doing better!” Cronus wrapped an arm around my neck and I growled at him, “Get off me.”  
Kankri chuckled a little, a sound I never heard, “Let go of him Cronus.”  
Sollux gave Cronus a death stare and he let go of me.  
Roxy signed the last of the paperwork that she had to sign and rose to her feet, “Alright Mr. Karkat you are all ready to go!”  
I stood with Sollux and I nodded, “Thanks Roxy.”  
Then I turned with my brother, his boyfriend, and Sollux, and walked out of the unit together.

~====<3====~

Kankri and Cronus had scraped some money together to take us out to a local burger joint, and I swear it was the best thing I had ever tasted. After eating hospital food for a week, it was the best thing I had tasted in a while.  
I carried my bags into Sollux and I’s apartment and dropped them on the couch. I yawned and stretched. I felt Sollux’s scrawny arms wrap around my waist and his head rest on my shoulder.  
I turned my head and he looked up at me, “Welcome home KK.”  
I kissed his forehead, “Thank you Sollux.”  
He swayed a little, causing me to sway as well. I couldn’t tell if he was doing this on purpose, or because he ate so little that he was about to pass out.  
“You okay Sollux? Or do I need to force feed you now that I’m home.”  
He chuckled, “I’m doing that on purpose.”  
“Oh.”  
He stepped around so he was standing in front of me, his arms never leaving my waist. He swayed again, and I swayed with him. He rested his head on my shoulder again, and we stood like that for awhile, swaying.  
I buried my face in his neck. I heard him hum as we swayed, and I started humming with him.  
“I missed you, a lot,” I heard him say softly, his lisp butchering the sentence.  
“Missed you too asshole,” I nuzzled my head against his neck.  
I felt him nuzzle back, “I only got to sleep by you once where you weren’t almost dead, but trying to sleep without you here was a nightmare, if I even slept at all.”  
“I’m sorry Sollux…”  
He nuzzled his head again, “It’s okay, you’re better now right?”  
I felt a sense of dread sink into my stomach, “Better yes, great no.”  
He sighed, “Better is better than not at all.”  
I nodded and he pulled his head back so he could look at me. The bags under his eyes were dark, and he looked sort of gaunt. I felt a ball of emotion fill my throat, this was my fault. He wasn’t eating or sleeping because of me.  
I blinked several times to try and keep my eyes dry, praying that he wouldn’t notice. He did.  
He was still taller then me, if only by an inch or two, but he was now thinner than me. He pressed his lips to my forehead, “It’s alright KK, you’re fine. You’re okay.”  
I felt my eyes spill over, and when he looked down he reached up and brushed the tears away. I shut my eyes when I felt his mouth on mine, and held tightly onto him.  
It started gentle and soft, but as time passed I stopped crying and I grew more needy. I needed him, I hated to admit it, but I did.  
I noticed it when I was in the psych ward. I noticed when I couldn’t sleep at night because I couldn’t hear him shift or murmur in his sleep. I noticed when I felt this gaping hole in my chest when I watched him leave every day. I noticed it when I realized that I needed him that much closer to me, even when I held him in my arms.  
He drew me back from my thoughts when he nipped at my bottom lip and I felt my brain fry. I nipped back and I felt him exhale into my mouth.  
I pulled my hands down from his shoulders to rest on his chest, and I felt his grip tighten around my waist.  
He nipped my lip again, only harder, and I before I could stop it I had gasped and had grabbed fist fulls of his shirt.  
He hummed and I gently pushed him back till he was against the wall. He pulled me against him and dipped his head down to nip at my neck. I pressed him harder against the wall, still holding fist fulls of his shirt.  
He slid his hands up my shirt and along my back and I shivered from how cold his hands were. He muttered against my neck, “Stop me if I do anything you don’t want me to do.”  
I nodded and he nipped at my neck again. I couldn’t think straight, mostly seeing as all the blood in my body most likely had relocated lower.  
I felt myself being moved and next thing I knew Sollux had me pinned to the wall, his hands on my hips, and was biting my collarbone. I held my head back and panted, nothing felt so great right now.  
We weren’t even technically together, but over the time I was in the hospital I treasured every embrace and little touch he gave me. Every brush of his fingers against mine sent electricity down my spine.  
I found myself gripping the bottom of his shirt and panting, “Can this go?”  
“If you want it to.”  
I pulled it straight over his head and threw it somewhere across the room.  
He was cold, and way too skinny, but that was the last thing on my mind at the moment. I would force him to eat something later.  
It was only noon after all.  
All the biting and sucking he was doing on my neck was starting to wear down my ability to stay quiet. I dug my nails into his back and groaned over and over and over again.  
“Can we… move this… somewhere else… besides against a wall…?” I managed to form a coherent sentence, go me.  
He nodded and trailed his hands down to my wrists and pulled them toward our room. I stumbled after him, my legs refusing to work properly.  
He sat on the end of his bed and I ungracefully fell on him, causing him to fall back as he caught me, laughing.  
“Shut up asshole!” I said, my face burning.  
He managed to compose himself, but only barely, “What if I didn’t?”  
“I’d have to shut you up myself.”  
“I’m not sure if I entirely mind that or not,” he laughed again.  
I dipped my head and nipped at his neck, and his laughter turned into a low moan.  
I smiled widely, “Told you.”  
“Shut up asshole.”  
“Your lisp just totally butchered that sentence.”  
“Shut up!”  
“Make me then.”  
He pulled me up and bit down on the soft part of my neck and I could not stop myself from moaning really loudly.  
“You were saying,” he chuckled.  
“Shut up.”  
His hands trailed down and gripped on the end of my shirt, “Can this go?”  
I nodded and he sat up, successfully straddling me, and pulled my shirt over my head and threw it.  
He leaned back down and trailed kisses from my jawn to my collarbone and I swear he set fire to my skin as he did so. My back arched as he nipped at my collarbone and it shot electricity through my body.  
He kissed lower, reaching my chest and I hummed to let him know he was doing great. My skin was on fire, and he no longer felt cold. Well except for his hands. Those were cold.  
Like I cared at the moment.  
He reached my hips and I sighed contently, however my jeans were a tad bit too tight….  
He tugged at the waistband and I nodded my approval, looking down at him. He fumbled around with it and managed to pull them off and throw them as well.  
I tilted my head back and let out a low moan when his hands trailed down, I wondered idiotically what he was going to- oh my god that’s great.  
I couldn’t stop my hips from bucking farther into his mouth, causing him to gag a little, but he didn’t stop. God that felt great.  
He swirled his tongue lazily along the head and I just couldn’t stay quiet. My body was on fire and I was not complaining in the slightest. It was great.  
It wasn’t long before my vision went white and I felt the burning in my abdomen peak. It took a few moments for me to recover, and when I was able to lift my head again I saw Sollux pull off and dry his mouth on his arm. He had this wide grin on his face, and I grinned like a dork.  
“So I’m not as bad as I thought I was I take it?”  
I shook my head violently, “That was perfect.”  
He pulled himself up and laid on top of me, kissing the side of my face. I nuzzled my head against his face, and then realized something.  
“Jesus fuck Sollux, I never took care of you…”  
He shrugged, “I don’t mind, I got you to feel something that’s all I care about.”  
I sighed and my eyes felt heavy with sleep. I could feel how aroused he was, but I didn’t have the energy to take care of it.  
He rolled off me and I curled up against his chest.  
“Welcome home Karkat,” he murmured as I fell asleep.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably going on hiatus after I finish posting this story, my creative drive is like dead. I don't even wanna draw right now. It's pretty depressing actually. (and before certain people try to tell me I don't understand depression you have no idea how much I understand, when I say something is depressing I mean I'm literally depressed about something. I also understand what it's like to be mentally ill, hence where this story came from. It came from something that has literally controlled my life for the last 13 years, I'm 19. So don't you dare try to tell me that I don't understand.)  
> Anyway, I'm done ranting, enjoy the last few chapters that I'm uploading today. If I can get my drive back I'll keep working on my new one, if not, then it'll be awhile.

Chapter 12

_Wake up shithead._  
I groaned and curled up tighter against Sollux when I heard Jack’s voice.  
I felt him tracing circles between my shoulder blades and his face buried in my hair. I looked up at him and kissed him, causing his eyes to open back up, “Hey.”  
“Hey KK,” he yawned.  
 _Faggot._  
I sighed and rested my head on his chest. Jack, get the fuck out already.  
“What’s with the sigh?”  
Fuck, I was hoping he wouldn’t have noticed.  
“Just Jack… he isn’t around as much but he is still there…” I confessed.  
Sollux pulled me against him and buried his face in my hair, “I was hoping he had gone…”  
“Yeah, me too. He was gone for a few days…. but then he wasn’t anymore.”  
“How am I supposed to protect you from something that isn’t even technically real…” I heard his voice crack.  
It was hard to wrap my head around the concept that Jack wasn’t real. I heard him didn’t I? I mean logically I knew he wasn’t, people don’t reside in people’s heads. However, he felt real to me.  
“No… don’t cry Sollux…” I looked up to see his eyes all red. I kissed him softly and buried my face in his chest.  
“I promised myself I’d protect you… I made that promise to myself when you were unconscious and we weren’t sure if you’d come out of it or not…” he buried his face in my hair and I felt his body shake.  
“Sollux I’ll be fine okay?”  
“You weren’t fine before.”  
He had a point.  
I sighed, “I’ll be fine, I’ve got more constructive things to do now instead of hurting myself okay?”  
“I swear to God KK if I catch you hurting yourself again…”  
“I won’t okay?”  
“Promise?”  
“Promise.”  
 _You’ll break that by the end of the week._  
I groaned again and pulled my arms up to hold my head.  
“KK? You okay?”  
“Yeah…” my voice was strained. “I’m fine.”  
 _No you’re not, nor will you ever again. Not as long as I’m here._  
I growled through clenched teeth, “Jack, get out of my damn head. You are wrong, I can learn to deal with you.”  
 _No you can’t._  
“Yes I can.”  
“KK, I’ve got something to tell you that I should have told you awhile ago.”  
I looked up at him, “Yeah?”  
He let go of me and sat up, pulling open the drawer of the nightstand where he kept his medication.  
He grabbed a bottle, looked at it, put it back, grabbed another bottle, and turned it so I could see it.  
It was the very medication I was on.  
“Wait… if one of your medications is the same as mine… You hear them too Sollux?” I stared at him in disbelief.  
“Used to, I don’t hear them anymore. I used to hear several. I also had the delusion that they were the voices of the imminently deceased. I swear I heard… before she died.”  
He couldn’t say Aradia’s name, but I understood why. I stared at him, “Why didn’t you tell me?”  
“Didn’t wanna make you worry about me, especially since I don’t… shit.”  
“What?”  
He held his face in his hands, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.”  
“Sollux what’s wrong?” worry crept into my chest.  
“They’re back,” he hissed.  
I paled, “What? How…”  
“You know how I haven’t been eating right? Well I’ve been more… sporadic about taking my medication as well. I didn’t take them at all when I was in the hospital with you.”  
I sat up and pulled him into my arms, “Take your medication okay? Like you’ve told me, it helps even though they suck.”  
He nodded and buried his face into my hair.  
It was probably 5PM by now, and my stomach was growling, “If you’re up for it, we should go get some food. Scratch that, I’m going to shove food down your protein chute if it kills me. You’ve lost too much weight. Plus I remember them telling me that your medication won’t work right if you don’t eat.”  
He nodded and I got off the bed, pulling him up with me.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

 

About a week later, I woke up alone.  
This wasn’t a new occurrence, sometimes Sollux woke up before me, sometimes he had to work. I looked at the alarm clock, it was only 6:30. I had class in two hours, and so did he.  
What I was doing awake was a mystery, what he was doing awake was even more of a mystery.  
I sat up, it was dead silent in the house. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and was about to get up when that dead silence was interrupted by a piercing scream and a crash.  
I got up and ran faster than I’ve ever ran in any gym class toward the bathroom, where the scream had come from. It had been Sollux, and he sounded distressed.  
The bathroom door had been replaced while I had been in the hospital, and Sollux wanted one without a lock, but I talked him out of it. Now that I was practically trying to rip the doorknob off the door because it was locked did I realize why he wanted one without a lock.  
And why he caved so easily.  
“Sollux open the damn door!” I yelled. When I got silence as a reply I slammed my body against the door. Nothing. I slammed my body against the door over and over and over again but it wouldn’t budge.  
I quickly ran down the hallway to get the tool kit, ran back, and then started to unscrew the doorknob from the door. How Sollux had managed to break down the door was beyond me, even in my adrenaline induced state, which was making it difficult to dismantle the doorknob, I couldn’t bring the door down.  
I finally got the doorknob undone and I threw it into the wall behind me and swung the door open.  
I screamed.  
The mirror had been shattered, and Sollux was laying face down on the floor, his head and knuckles bleeding. It looked like he had passed out and hit his head on the counter.  
I dropped to my knees next to him and pulled his head into my lap. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed 911.  
Between the two of us, we spent way too much time in the hospital.  
I held him in my arms until the paramedics arrived. 

~====<3====~  
It turned out that he had passed out from malnutrition, and not blood loss like I had thought.  
Sollux glared at the refeeding machine thing they had him hooked up to. It turned out he was purposely trying to starve himself to death.  
“Why?” I had asked.  
“Because I don’t deserve to live, I’m nothing. The voices were also telling me too. I swear I heard myself screaming, just like I thought I heard Aradia scream,” he had mumbled.  
“Bullshit Sollux! You are not even close to nothing, and you do deserve to live! And as for the voices in your head, they can go fucking fuck themselves,” I had raged.  
He had winced and stared at his hands, which had balled into fists and were clenching the white sheet he had covering his legs.  
It took them three days to admit him into the mental health unit.  
They ushered me out of the unit, the very one I had been in a week prior, as they restrained Sollux from running out of there. He was screaming how he needed me here with him, how he couldn’t sleep without me there, how I kept him relatively sane.  
How he couldn’t do this without me.  
Now I sat on the bed that we had been sharing since I got home, since before I went in even. That one night that we shared it, I couldn’t get it out of my head.  
I missed how it felt to have his arms wrapped around my waist in a protective hold. I missed how he traced circles on my arm while I pretended to sleep. I missed how peaceful he looked in his sleep. I missed how his lips felt on my face before he said good night.  
I’d give anything to have him here right now.  
I curled in a ball, cold and lonely, till I fell asleep.

~====<3====~

I rolled onto my side, and briefly wondered to myself if Sollux was at work or something.  
Then I remembered.  
I sighed, and the sadness that had took hold of me the night before settled back into my chest.  
I got up, took my meds, and debated to myself whether or not I wanted to eat or not. Sollux would have my head if I didn’t eat anything though, so I quickly made some oatmeal, scarfed it down, and went to campus.  
Classes went by agonizingly slowly. I normally had my coding class with Sollux, so I went through that class with an even bigger hole in my chest then I did before.  
My political course got my mind off it a little bit, the debate my class was in helped a little.  
Until we got to the topic of healthcare coverage for the mentally ill.  
A guy named Dave was talking about how mental illness care should be covered by insurance companies everywhere, where someone named John was debating that mental illness could be overcome without treatment.  
Anger and resentment churned through my blood at John. How dare he.  
I kept my mouth shut for most of the debate, which was getting pretty heated between each side of the argument.  
Then something in me snapped.  
I rose to my feet, “How dare you people even think for a second that mental illness can be overcome with sheer willpower alone. I literally just got out of the hospital for mental illness problems you shit faced assholes! Try telling me that I could have just ‘gotten over it’ when I was overdosing in my bathroom while my boyfriend was trying to bust down the door! I could have died because of these fucking voices in my head telling me that no one would have given a shit if I was gone.”  
The room went silent and I fell back into my chair, arms crossed.  
“Um, how about we end class for today,” Mr. English said.  
We all nodded and started to file out. I thought I was the last one to leave the room, but then someone grabbed my sleeve. I turned to see it was Dave, “What do you want?”  
His facial expression did not change, “My brother was in the hospital not too long ago, did you meet a guy named Dirk?” I nodded.  
“He’s my big brother. I wanted to mention him, but he would have kicked my ass if I made him appear weak in any way.”  
I nodded again and he continued, “Anyway, this homework is gonna kick my ass. Do you want to come back to my room and work on it?”  
“Sure, whatever.”  
We headed over to one of the residence halls that only had single rooms. This kid must be loaded if he could afford to stay in this residence hall.  
I plopped down onto the floor in front of his bed and he sat across from me against the wall. We talked about school and homework, but after about an hour he was sitting next to me, helping me edit a paper on my laptop.  
I kept checking the time. It was 1 in the afternoon and visiting hours started at 6. I had a little while to work with this guy.  
 _He’s attractive Karkat, maybe you’ll get lucky._  
I furrowed my eyebrows. Fuck you Jack, I have a boyfriend.  
 _So?_  
Shut up! It’s called being faithful you fucking twat.  
We finished editing my essay and I placed my laptop on the ground to the side of me.  
“So,” Dave began. “Who is your boyfriend anyway?”  
“Sollux Captor.”  
“Him? I never took him for being into guys.”  
“Well he is.”  
He nodded, “I’ll let you in on a secret, I am too. I bet the reason why John was trying to be so offensive toward me because he’s my ex.”  
I nodded, “Ouch, my ex got with my former best friend behind my back.”  
“Wasn’t that Terezi?”  
I winced, “Yeah.”  
“Still a fresh wound?”  
“Not really, I just don’t like to talk about her.”  
“Yeah, well, I dated her too after her and Gamzee broke up.”  
I stared at him, “Seriously? I almost feel sorry for you. Did she cheat on you too?”  
“Not that I know of.”  
I nodded, “So it’s just me that’s a worthless piece of shit to her.”  
He sighed, “You’re not a worthless piece of shit.”  
“Says you, and Sollux,” I sighed.  
He shrugged, “I won’t lie, Sollux has good taste.”  
I stared at him, “What are you saying?”  
He leaned his head closer to mine, “I’m saying that he has good taste. You’re hot, and an interesting person.”  
I frowned and spoke in a low tone, “Yeah well, I have a boyfriend fuck face.”  
“Thing is? I don’t care,” he muttered before closing the gap.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Fuck.  
What am I doing?  
 _I told you that you might get lucky._  
Shut up!  
After the initial shock and irritation, I noticed a difference between how Dave kissed, and how Sollux kissed.  
Dave was forceful from the get go while Sollux was gentle at first. Dave was not afraid to go after what he wanted, whereas Sollux was cautious.  
It infuriated me, it infuriated me to no end.  
So why was I kissing back?  
“I need to stop, I need to stop, I need to stop!” I was screaming silently to myself.  
 _Don’t, you don’t have Sollux right now, so Dave is the next best thing._  
Shut up, shut up, shut up!  
Dave turned me so I was fully facing him, and pushed me over so I was laying on the ground and he was on top of me. He bit my lip with full force, and I scratched at his back from the pain.  
 _You know you want it Karkat._  
I’m not going to let my body dictate my actions Jack.  
 _Then what are you doing right now?_  
I growled, both at Dave and at Jack.  
Why wasn’t I stopping him?  
 _Because, your body wants him, and you know deep down your mind wants it too._  
Shut up!  
He drove his knee up and grind it between my legs and I found myself groaning despite myself.  
I felt him smirk and I almost felt like I couldn’t control myself at all when I found myself biting down on his lip as hard as I could. He gasped into my mouth and I swear it was one of the hottest sounds I’ve ever heard.  
What was I thinking?  
Suddenly in control of my motor skills, I shoved him off to the side before yelling, “What the hell was that!?”  
“You liked it and you know it Karkat.”  
“I am not single you fucking douchebag” I snarled at him.  
"Then why didn’t you stop me?”  
“I just did!”  
“Well, technically you’ve already cheated on him, so why stop now?”  
“I’m gonna fucking kill you.”  
“No you’re not.”  
“Shut the fuck up or I’ll fucking strangle you.”  
 _Just fuck him already, you’re already a fourth of the way there._  
Shut up already!  
He smirked, “That’s actually kind of hot.”  
“Shut up!”  
He rolled back over to where he’s straddling me again, “Come on, I can feel how much you want it.”  
I growled at him, but didn’t answer.  
He tangled his hand in my hair and pulled my head forward so he could smash his lips against mine again, biting and sucking on them as he did.  
I growled at him, but didn’t stop him because at this point all the blood in my body had relocated between my legs and I didn’t know how to think straight anymore.  
 _Sollux will understand._  
He… will…?  
 _Of course, he just wants you to be happy right?_  
Yeah…  
 _This’ll make you happy. Therefore, he’ll understand._  
Whatever you say Jack…  
Tentatively I bit back, I kissed back, I pushed my knees up on either side of him, causing him to groan as his weight settled between my legs.  
It was almost like we were fighting for dominance. He was a bit bigger than me, at least height wise, so I couldn’t flip him over, but how our mouths and tongues danced was more… hateful, not something sensual and loving like Sollux and I kissed.  
He leaned up a bit and grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it right over my head, throwing it into the wall. I responded by doing the same to him.  
His skin was fiery to the touch and slick with sweat. He moved his head over and started biting on my neck. I knocked my head into his to dislodge him, “No marks asshole.”  
He shrugged and I sunk my teeth into his neck.  
He groaned and rutted his hips against mine.  
I think that was when I lost all control of thought, because next thing I knew I was waking up at quarter to 5 right next to him.  
I knew what happened, deductive reasoning told me that because I fell asleep with him on me without a stitch of clothing told me exactly what happened.  
Guilt slammed into my gut. Sollux was going to end me.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

I walked into the hospital and Sollux nearly tackled me.  
“You have no idea how glad I am to see you!” he muttered into my shoulder. Guilt dragged my heart down and down and down…  
“You won’t be when I tell you some bad news.”  
He looked up with worry crossing his face, “What happened?”  
“Let’s go into your room first. Maybe if you kill me in there no one will notice.” I muttered.  
He looked confused and the worry on his face was turning into panic, but he nodded and we walked over to his room.  
I sat on the edge of his bed and he sat next to me. I shook my head, “You might want to be on the other side of the room from me.”  
“Why? KK what happened?”  
“Well… you know Dave from school?”  
I have never seen his face so pale, even both times I have found him half dead.  
“Well we were doing homework in his room,” I continued. “And he kind ambushed me… I don’t even remember what happened really, but I know I fucked up and you can proceed to kill me before I go home and do it myself.”  
He stared at me. He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again. He did this a few times before I felt my head snap to the side when his fist hit my jaw.  
I blinked a few times, “I deserved that.”  
“Yes, you did. Get out.”  
“Fine, I’ll leave if that’s what you want.”  
“You don’t understand, get the fuck out and never come back.”  
I nodded, avoiding his rage fueled eyes. I rose to my feet and left, and when I looked back he looked so angry, but he was crying at the same time.  
I fucked up, and there was no way I’d be able to fix it.

~====<3====~

This time, no one was going to find me.  
This time, Sollux wouldn’t be here to break the door down and take me to the hospital.  
This time, truly no one would give a shit.  
I turned the bottle of my antipsychotics over in my hand, and the bottle of antidepressants in the other.  
 _I told you to finish what you started._  
Was that it? Was this all your plot to make me end my life? To make Sollux hate me, and to make me feel so guilty I can’t take it anymore?  
 _Yes._  
You fucker.  
I guess you win though.  
I unscrewed the top of both and dumped them in a cup that I had brought with me to the bathroom. I was going to down them with vodka that I stole out of Dave’s room.  
I held up the cup and dumped the first ten or so in my mouth and downed them with the alcohol. It burned the whole way down.  
I kept at it till all 60 pills and the whole bottle of vodka was gone.  
I was trashed, but slowly the world turned black around the edges. I pulled out the note in my pocket and held tightly onto it.  
I sobbed once before sinking into everlasting darkness.

~====<3====~

Be Sollux

Even though I fucking hated him right now, I was glad I called Kanaya when I did.  
She found him in the bathroom, just like I had, pretty much dead.  
His heart stopped four times in the Emergency Room.  
I paced in the small room I was confined to in the fucking psych ward. They wouldn’t let me go see him.  
He may have cheated on me, but I still wanted to be by his side in case he died. He was in a coma again, but this time he had no brain waves.  
None.  
I punched the wall. He felt so bad that he tried to kill himself. He might even succeed.  
Roxy ran in, “Sollux what’s wrong!?”  
“My fucking cheater boyfriend is dying in a coma right now and I can’t at least go see him.” I screamed.  
It has been three days since he went under. Kanaya came in to visit me to let me know how he’s doing after visiting with KK for awhile.  
Speak of the devil.  
Kanaya walked in, looking great like always minus the worried expression on her face.  
I sighed, “Hey KN.”  
She nodded, “I bring you news. You’re not going to like it though.”  
I nodded, “Just tell me, it’s not like my life hasn’t been a bunch of bad news lately.”  
“Karkat’s heart stopped again today, they managed to revive him, but they’ve lowered his chance of survival to 15%.”  
I stared at her again before punching the wall over and over and over again.  
“Sollux you have to stop or we’ll have to sedate you,” Roxy warned.  
I didn’t care. I kept punching the wall over and over before I started sobbing and just leaned against the wall by my forearms.  
Kanaya walked over and tried to put an arm around me but I shrugged her off and choked out, “I’m fine.”  
“No you are not Sollux. This is negatively affecting your mental state…”  
“I know KN, I know.”


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

It took me two weeks to get out of the psych ward.  
KK was still under, and because his dad disowned him and the rest of his family was dead, Kankri was asked if he wanted to take him off life support.  
I was with them when they asked, I had just came downstairs from the unit when they asked him.  
I dropped my bag and stared at them. Kankri and Cronus stood there, looking distressed.  
“Sollux, I did not expect you to come see Karkat after… what happened,” Kankri said cautiously. KN must have told him what happened.  
I winced, “Of course I would.”  
He nodded, “Whether or not you are still together does not matter in this case, what does matter is that you care a great deal for him yes?” I nodded. “Well then you have a decision to make. I would put my brother out of his misery myself, however I would like to hear your opinion on the matter.”  
I stared at him, “You’d… let him die?”  
He sighed and Cronus stood there awkwardly shifting from foot to food, “I think what Kankri means is that if Karkat wants this that badly, he must truly be miserable… He doesn’t want his brother to suffer.”  
I clenched my hands into fists and spoke through clenched teeth, “How dare you call yourself his brother. I know my brother would never pull the plug on me if I tried to kill myself yet again. KK can recover. I know he can, we just have to give him that fucking chance.”  
“Sollux, I understand your anger but could you please watch your langu-”  
“Shut up, I will not let him die while I still breathe.”  
Kankri winced, then sighed, “Fine, we will see how things go. If he still has no brainwaves in a week we will reconvene on the issue.”  
I nodded tersely and him and Kankri left. The doctor nodded at me and then too left.  
I walked over to KK’s bedside. He was paler than usual by a long shot, his black hair a sharp contrast against his skin. I figured that if I saw his eyes, they wouldn’t look as red and breathtaking. They would probably just look empty, just like Aradia’s had.  
I dragged a chair over and sat at his side, listening to the respirator and the heart monitor.  
I thought back on Aradia’s death. She died in my arms, will KK, no, Karkat die in my arms too?  
I found myself sobbing after the thought crossed my mind. Will everyone I truly love be damned to die?  
I rested my arm on the bed and buried my face in it, trying to muffle the sound of my misery. With my free hand, I grabbed Karkat’s. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed until I broke into a scream when I heard the heart monitor flatline.  
A flurry of nurses and the one doctor rushed in, one pulling me aside despite how hard I fought him.  
“I refuse to sit by and watch him die!” I screamed.  
The nurse restrained me, “There’s nothing you can do, let us do our jobs.”  
I didn’t listen to him and kept thrashing and screaming until I heard the monitor beep again.  
The nurse let me go and I stumbled back over to his bedside and grabbed his cold hand again, tears running down my face.  
The nurses finished taking his vital signs and they finished stabilizing him, and then I was alone in the room again, sobbing pathetically.  
I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked up to see KN standing there.  
“I figured you would want someone to keep you company so it’s not just you and Karkat in here,” she said softly.  
I nodded slowly and she pulled up a chair. We sat there in relative silence for awhile before Kanaya broke the silence, “So what do you plan on talking to him about when he wakes up?”  
“Depends on what he says when he wakes up I guess,” I muttered. “If he starts talking about wanting to kill himself again I’m gonna probably yell at him, and cry pathetically.”  
“You know crying doesn’t make you pathetic right?”  
I sighed, “In my eyes if I cry, then I’m weak and pathetic.”  
“But you’re not, you’re genuinely upset because something bad has happened. A lot of bad has happened. Actually I wanted to talk to you about some of what happened.”  
I turned to her and nodded and she continued, “About what he did, are you prepared to forgive him for it?”  
I turned and stared at his comatose face, “I don’t know. He obviously feels bad about it, I mean he overdosed because of it. I feel like shit because I punched him, and didn’t listen when he said that if I didn’t kill him he was going to.”  
“Well you did call me and have me check up on him, if you hadn’t he would be dead right now,” she spoke softly, trying to be comforting I guess.  
I nodded, not looking away from KK, “I just feel so betrayed. I thought he was better than that. I thought he had more self control then I do… and I’ve never cheated on anyone in my entire life.”  
I saw her nod out of the corner of my eye, “I know, and I’m not saying he should get off the hook because he attempted suicide. I’m just saying cut him a little slack because he felt so badly that he tried to kill himself. Also, at least he told you.”  
I nodded, “You have a point.”  
I saw her smile a little, “I usually do.”


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

A week passed, and I found myself sitting at KK’s beside staring daggers into Kankri’s head.  
He was once again suggesting we take him off life support. He has had no measurable brain waves, and his heart has stopped twice in the week I’ve been sitting at his side.  
Kanaya made sure I ate this time, and took care of myself. She also brought my meds from home. She was such a good friend.  
“No,” I said firmly, “Give it another week, give him some more time I don’t know but I refuse to just let him die like that.”  
The doctor sighed, “His insurance runs out in a week.”  
I paled, if his insurance ran out… they’d have to take him off.  
He tapped a pen on his clipboard, “I’ll be back. Why don’t you guys talk it over, get some food, and we’ll reconvene in an hour.”  
We all nodded and he walked out of the room.  
“First, we will go get some food,” Cronus said.  
“Not hungry,” I muttered. I could almost imagine KK sitting up and smacking me across the back of the head and telling me to eat, but I knew it probably wasn’t possible.  
Kankri sighed, “We’ll be back in twenty minutes.”  
They walked out and I turned back to Karkat.  
I had taken up talking to him, since apparently coma patients supposedly can hear when they are out, and today was no different.  
“Hey KK…” I started. “They still want to take you off life support but I promise you I won’t let them okay?”  
I didn’t expect a reply, and I didn’t get one. However, I had something to say to him just in case I was out voted and they took him off. If they took him off life support, he’d be dead in less than an hour.  
I choked on a sob and I held his cold hand in both of mine, rubbing them together to try and warm it up, “I just wanted to tell you some stuff just in case they out vote me in this.”  
I took a deep breath, as if he could actually hear me, “I’ve been doing some thinking over the last week, and talking things out with Kanaya, and I wanted to tell you that I’ve forgiven you for what happened with Dave.”  
I exhaled slowly, “And I wanted you to know that no matter what I love you and I know I’ve never gotten the chance to say that before now and I swear to god,” I broke into a sob. “If you die before I get the chance to actually tell you that, I’ll never be able to live with myself. I’ll never be able to live with myself if the last thing you ever heard from me was said out of anger.”  
I rested my head on his hand, and I almost deluded myself into thinking it was just a tad bit warmer.  
Almost.

~====<3====~

 

They had took pity on me and decided to wait another week, but after that they will take him off.  
I was talking to KK again, even though everyone except Kanaya thought I was nuts.  
“I miss you a lot KK,” I mumbled. “It was bad in the psych ward, I missed you and I was mad at you. It was a jumbled mess of emotions and I didn’t like it.”  
I looked up at the brainwave machine and my jaw dropped.  
There were small brainwaves, small, but it was still something.  
I immediately reached over and pressed the call nurse button and within a few minutes a nurse walked in, “Yes Sollux what is it?”  
I pointed at the brainwave machine, my voice giving away my excitement, “He has brainwaves!”  
The nurse looked at the machine and smiled, “This is excellent, I’ll take his vitals and I’ll report this to his doctor.”  
I nodded eagerly as she started taking his vitals. 

 

Be Karkat:

When I found myself in the same dark hole as I did the last time I tried to kill myself, I knew I was in a coma again.  
Great, who the hell found me?  
It couldn’t have been Sollux, he was locked up in the hospital. So who?  
I guess that doesn’t matter right now, all I could think about was the shooting pain in my chest. It came and went, and when my chest would hurt, I could feel myself floating away, but then I’d come back. Even though all was dark, I still had a sense of feeling.  
I heard snippets of conversation here and there, and I realized I could hear Sollux’s voice. I must be crazy. Well, more than I already was.  
I realized that a lot of time had based before I became aware that I was here because I felt like I hadn’t moved in a while. Last time I had felt fine.  
Then I swore I could feel someone’s hand on mine.  
It couldn’t be Sollux, he hated me. He told me to go away and to never come back.  
My heart sank and guilt flowed through my blood like sludge. I didn’t want to wake up, I didn’t want to wake up, I didn’t want to wake up.  
I don’t think I could bear to see that mixed look of betrayal and anger again.  
I thought to myself, it would have been so much easier if I had locked the bathroom door. That way whoever found me wouldn’t have been able to get in without knocking down the door or taking off the door handle.  
I have no will to live, so why do I keep ending up here instead of the gates of Heaven or Hell?


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18: Be Sollux

 

I sighed and watched his brainwaves jump around the machine. Since his brain is working, the insurance company decided to extend their coverage. How nice of them.  
I ran my thumb over KK’s lifeless knuckles, they felt a little warmer than they had when I first got here, which was a good sign.  
I fell asleep, but I woke up when I felt KK’s hand flex.  
My head shot up and I looked over at his face. His eyes blinked at me, and like I had thought, his ruby eyes were sad and lifeless. They were eyes of a man who had lost all will to carry on.They were of a man who has done wrong, and can’t forgive himself for it.  
I held his hand and hit the call nurse button, and said softly, “Good morning you asshole, I swear to god if you do that again…”  
He shrugged weakly, unable to talk because of the respirator. He responded by holding onto my hand with what I assumed was as hard as he could, which wasn’t very.  
A few days later they took out the respirator.  
“How long was I out?” he rasped.  
“A month,” I said softly.  
He gripped my hand a lot stronger than he had when he first woke up, but it was still weak.  
The nurses and doctors finished their work and left, leaving KK and I. KN was going to stop by later, but she had classes and had to work.  
He turned his head to look at me, looking sad. His arms were cuffed to the bed frame again, in which I had the armrests in the same setup as before.  
“What’s wrong KK?” I asked quietly.  
He gave me a “You’re kidding right?” look, “What do you think?”  
I frowned, “If I’m stuck here so are you.”  
He sighed and I gave a sympathetic look, “Look, I was doing some thinking while you were out and I talked to KN a lot, and I told you this while you were out but I doubt you heard me… I do forgive you for what you did.”  
He stared at me for a moment, “You… what?”  
I carefully wrapped my arms around his torso and hugged him, “I forgive you. You’re a fucking asshole, but I forgive you. I’m not even all that mad about it anymore. Upset, yes. Mad, no.”  
I felt his head nod and I felt his shoulders shake.  
“Shoosh,” I rubbed his back. “It’s okay, it’s okay.”  
I heard the handcuffs clank against the grates and he buried his face into my shoulder.  
I kept rubbing his back, “Shoooosh.”  
He slowly stopped crying but I held onto him, “I love you you fucking asshole.”  
I heard him sharply inhale before saying almost breathlessly, “I love you too you fuck munch.”  
I laughed and nuzzled my head against his face, making him laugh too.  
It was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard.

~====<3====~

“I’m so going to fail this semester,” KK whined as we walked out of the hospital.  
I laughed, “So am I KK.”  
I looked over at him, he was smiling.  
I opened the car door and sat in the driver’s side. There was no way in hell I was going to let him drive. With his new medication, he was so drugged up he could barely walk straight.  
We got home, and I barely got in the door when KK threw his arms around my neck and started kissing it.  
“Well hello, I missed you too KK,” I said breathlessly.  
“Do you know how long I’ve wanted to do this?” he muttered.  
“No but you can tell me dipshit,” my laughter turned into a moan as he bit my neck.  
“Since I was sane enough to want you,” he muttered again.  
“Well, you have me. Do what you want,” I tilted my head back to give him more room. Work was going to kill me. They let me take off on FMLA because he was mine, so that was fine but they were gonna kill me for the marks he’s leaving.  
My thought process was interrupted when he bit down again before pushing me up against a wall. I exhaled a shaky breath and dug my nails into his back as he ground down on me.  
He pulled away, eliciting a whine from me, and grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me toward our room. I followed happy, absentmindedly wondering when did I become so needy, and kissed him eagerly once we got there.  
I think it was when I was watching him in the coma. When I just wanted to curl up next to him and trace circles on his collarbones and hope he’d wake up. When I wanted to sleep next to him every night, but couldn’t when I was in the psych ward. How when he cheated on me I felt so possessive and just wanted to rock into him like I was doing now without him possibly comparing me to someone else.  
We both finished and found ourselves tangled up together, KK’s head nuzzled up against my chest. It was roughly 10 at night, and we had class in the morning.  
I kissed his head, and I heard his breathing even out as he fell asleep.  
“Welcome home,” I whispered to him before falling asleep myself.

~End~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All done. Y'all happy now?  
> Okay, I'm wrongly taking out my frustration.  
> Thank you guys for reading my stuff, I hope you enjoyed it.  
> EDIT: Okay I so I fixed the italics in this story, if anyone noticed. And I apologize for taking my frustration out in the beginning and end notes. Also, I still thank everyone for reading my terrible fanfiction!


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